Now before I even get into this blog let me just apologize to my loyal followers(kidding I know there are none) and give and explanation as to why I haven't been blogging. Because fuck you, that's why. In all honesty I just haven't had the time or motivation, but now that a new school year is starting, why the fuck not(I'm also putting off writing an essay.) Now don't get too excited y'all, it may sound like I am back in school, but believe me I am not. In the infinite wisdom I contain, I have decided to take another year off from school, while doing jack shit. Well last time I said I was back I gave you all false hopes of updating a new story "soon", and if you all didn't know that was bullshit right off the bat then shame on you. I have decided that while I sit here and nurse a Molson like it's a great big booby, I will share the recent adventures of my best buddies 21st birthday bash!
While sitting around in a spider filled basement in Newport, RI, B and I began to discuss what would surely be a 21st birthday of epic proportions, as it was our friend E's birthday, and he was the last of us to turn 21. Well we decided there was no better way to bring in the birthday than on a disgustingly scummy booze cruise, full of trailer trash. Now when I say trailer trash I don't mean straight out of the trailer park, I am talking about the girls who are 1 step above Jersey Shore, which as we know is 1 step below a trashcan. Now to say me and my friends didn't particularly fit the mold of the crowd that night would be a tremendous understatement, because let me assure you, pink linen sport coats and seersucker pants don't exactly go hand in hand with spray tans and blowouts. I mean from the second we stepped foot on the boat every girl wanted to blow us and every guy wanted to fight us, or maybe it was the other way around, not really sure. Well the night started to look up when we made our way to the bar and realized the most of the bartenders on the ship didn't understand the meaning of a soft pour, so we were basically taking shots topped off with soda. The vision started getting blurry and the cigarettes starting flowing about 20 minutes into the cruise. The rest of the night just seems to be a blur, as all I can recall was following a bachelorette party around trying to get in all their pictures, and giving my $100 tie away to an, um, larger lady. Well after the cruise we found our way to a 3 story bar, sporting some karaoke for the night and I was fucking stoked. Unfortunately the manager informed me and my friend OJ that not only had they closed karaoke for the night, that even if they hadn't he would never let me sing the song from Armageddon. Depressing I know. Well getting denied karaoke and subsequently taking one of those Devil shots in a test tube was the last thing I remember. The next morning I stubbornly awoke in a house I didn't recognize with soaking wet clothes, and a dead phone. I quickly found out I was in a house that belonged to absolutely zero of my friends, and I was a good distance away from many of my friends. I finally made it home around 3pm(I woke up and started my journey at 9am) and immediately plugged in my phone. Well i found out quickly enough that out of the 7 of us who started the night together in the Limo, only 2 returned in it. One friend had fallen asleep on a park bench next to a hobo, three managed a ride home from a stranger, and I woke up on the wrong side of town. All in all it was a successful night, but one I wish never to live again.
I might take me a little to get back in the swing of things but I hope to be back to blogging daily soon. I have an entire summer to catch you all up on. Peace.
Looks like it is finally about time to bring this shit back. I am not really sure as to what made me just ditch it all together, but it seems as if some time has freed up in my schedule, allowing me to start writing again. What possibly gave me this free time, you ask? Well this semester I am studying abroad, and by that I mean I am taking a semester off from college life to, well go to class and work, which is basically the same as college life, minus the parties. Fuck me right? A lot has happened since I last checked in; I left school, I turned 21; I bought a cat; I met some new friends, all fun stuff.(I didn't really buy a cat though.) I currently write this as I am on my 5th straight day of being so sick I would rather put a bullet in my head than carry on, I am loopy on Robitussin and I am generally just not in the mood for anything. I have been going to night classes where a majority of the professors do not even speak English and I am looking for a job, unsuccessfully. Moral of the story never try and do a semester abroad in New Hampshire. It is shitty. I was at my alma mater (can I call it that if I haven't graduated from there yet?) last weekend to initiate the new pledge class, and what a grand old time that was. We had all the goodies from cakes, to Wild Irish Rose, hell, I even got branded. It was good to see my friends and get drunk with them off of some awful concoction, and it was especially good to see some alumni again. The 21st birthday weekend is a blog for a whole new time that I am sure you will all appreciate. For now I am going to drink half of a bottle of NyQuil and pass the fuck out listening to the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest on audiobook. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Has anyone been so drunk that they decided to funnel a 40? Because I was last night and it was an awful decision. We got to try out one of our new toys last night that me and Dennis invented, the shot bong AKA El Diablo. It is a mini funnel and it hold a couple shots + chasers and it is the devil's work. I did about 4 of those and paid for it this morning. I also decided to split a bottle of champagne with Dennis and funnel a 40. I made one of the Freshman funnel a 40 mixed with vodka and half a beer, needless to say he vomited everywhere right after.
I'm too bogged down with work to blog anything super productive today, sorry about that. All the work combined with some recent personal issues has removed all motivation to do anything, but I promise I will make it worth the wait.
In the mean time, is Nicki Minaj single? After her work with Big Sean's Dance(A$$) I am in love
Tuesday is here and the week is underway. This blog is going to be about the movie Puss In Boots 3D. So last night Dennis, L, and I decided to eat some nice pot brownies and go see Puss In Boots 3D, because what better way is there to spend a Monday night. Now first things first, I suggest every time you are high at the movie theaters, see a animated 3D movie because that shit was off the chain. Granted I was cramped up a little bit in the smaller than average chair, the combination of Sprite and Strawberry Sour Straws was unbelievable. I think the THC made the 3D look even better because I felt like I was actually in the movie.
Now as for the movie itself, FUCKING AWESOME. Now it wasn't as funny as I was hoping it would be but it had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. I think last time I was this enthralled with how a movie was going to end it was Inception. From beginning to end I was constantly trying to figure out where the story was going and what was going to happen next, and let me tell you, I did not see the ending coming. It is a little sad at the end but I don't want to spoil anything for anybody. The movie was also riddled with sexual innuendos the entire time, Puss In Boots is a pimp and a party animal.
From this experience I think I've found us guys in the house a new Bi-Weekly activity, because the theater near the campus is pretty cheap ($9 for a 3D movie). I'm still recovering from this weekend and new stories are slowly leaking out so I'm going to get a nice compilation of shenanigans out soon. If my blogs are sub par this week it's because I'm rattled with work but hopefully they won't be affected.
Enjoy some shenanigans and a dope song from G-Eazy
Oh man, I feel as if I have been neglecting you all lately and that's just not nice. I had a crazy weekend that had it's up and downs and I couldn't find a minute to shoot out a quick blog, so I am here now to fill you all in.
So in college it is almost a necessity that you have to dress up on Friday and Saturday night. Not wanting to spend more money than we already have, Dennis, Shay and I just threw on some jeans and construction helmets and were gay construction workers. Friday night started out as a dorm get together at our house from all the kids we partied with in our dorm last year. Out of necessity we were all drinking Four Lokos, because what else did anyone drink freshman year? Well the night quickly turned interesting when I was convinced(pretty easily) by CBus to funnel my Four Loko, awful decision. I could feel my self making my way to a bad night if I kept that pace up, but miraculously after only a few more beers I found myself in my closet in a deep heart to heart, probably saving my life.
After Friday night concluded without me dying I was extremely prepared to rage on Saturday. I'm sitting on my couch right now trying to remember what the hell I did during the day Saturday because I think I was so excited for the night that everything that happened during the day was a blur. All in all the rave was sick, SLamField was sick, FancySauce was sick, but the fun stuff for the night was not sick. I'm not going to say exactly what I did, but I did a lot of it and was not rolling face like I hoped I would have been. Now don't get me wrong, I rolled, just not on the level I wanted too. After I had walked all the way home, alone I think, I got myself changed into some sweats while every one was still partying in our house, then I received a lovely phone call and I had to go assist a drunk friend, and she was very funny so it was worth it. Well I get back home and I was coming down pretty hard so I just called it quits after doing my rounds and talked to everyone. So like I said I did have fun, but I think it could have been better. I'm going to get all the stories from the guys in the house and hopefully be able to deliver a good one soon.
Class this week is going to be a struggle because I have zero motivation to do anything. Good news is I finally have money again so I will be able to drive to class again. That's fucking awesome news for me. Do not fret either, my posting will go back to regular after my hiatus this weekend. A few pics from the weekend and the song that was playing in my head on repeat Saturday during the day.
Before I jump into my story which is always a fan favorite, especially during pledging, I'm going to do a little updating. For those of you who know we have our big Rave this Saturday which will be awesome, because what's better than a bunch of hot girls using a typical weekend to dress like sluts and rave their faces off, and have it be completely acceptable. I wasn't going to drink all that much considering there would be drugs, but the drugs seem to be a bust so it appears Red Bull and Vodka will be my go to for the weekend. Friday night will be more low key, girls soccer and field hockey cannot go out so I think it will be a nice house party night with plenty of drinking games and the usual late night crowd of girls. I'm not sure what my costume will be for Friday night, it's a toss up between a dirty pirate hooker or a slutty Amish girl. Saturday CBus, Dennis, and I will be going as the Beastie Boys from Intergalactic. I have to host a lacrosse prospy on Friday which is mildly disappointing but I think I can live. Classes went great this week and I got 40 faced at our Wings & 40s rush event last night when I decided to put back a 40 or 3. Shay got his up and nasty on and there is no greater joy then watching a girl do the walk of shame the same night it happens. All the while one of the freshmen was passed out on his couch while he was doing it, classic style. I'm sure that wasn't the only eventful thing that happened but after all the malt beverage and adderall my memory is a little fuzzy.
On to the story of the Infamous Date Rape. This isn't a college day story but rather one of my odd times from high school. It was the summer break before going into my freshman year of college and by this point in my life I was basically living with my best friend in Massachusetts. Well we decided to have a small get together one night and we asked my friend Burns to call over some girls. We learned a lesson pretty quickly that if you ask Burns to call over a few girls, you are going to get an entire town at your party. So soon enough there were about a 50 people in this house, and I spot a girl sitting on the counter who was very, very attractive. Feeling my beer confidence commence, I casually walk over and sit up on the counter next to her. After a good 10 minutes of basic convo, I feel like she's really into me, so I throw out the classic pick up line, "You know I'm gonna fuck you tonight right?" and without missing a beat she responds with a very confident, "I know". At this point though the party is starting to get out of control and my friend comes up to me and says, "Dane, there is too many people here I don't know, I'm kicking everybody out." I wasn't going to go against his wishes, but I also wasn't going to expedite the process. I quickly realize that I'm slowly missing my chance to fuck this girl, so i grab her and take her to the bathroom were I start playing thumb wars with her pussy. Soon enough she starts to go down on me, and the second she starts people start banging on the door that the cops are coming. I know this is a lie because it is the classic line we always use to get people out of the house. Well I tried convincing her that it was fake and that she should stay but she started freaking out and left. Burns(the kid who invited everyone over) was nice enough to drive her home....and fuck her, but that's neither here nor there.
So that was my first interaction with this girl, the second one ended much differently. Being pissed that I never got to live up to my pick up line, I started casually texting this girl and about three to five days later she is drunk at a party and asks me to come pick her up. Now I was sober and being thoughtful I thought, "Fuck it, I'll just drive her home." So I get to the house and she is already waiting in the driveway for me. She jumps into my car and asks me, "So where are we going?" Now I was under the impression that I was just giving her a ride home so I ask back, "What do you mean?" and she says, "Where are you gonna take me to fuck me?" So the night is already playing out better than I planned. We drive around back roads of some town I don't know for a half hour, looking for places, until finally we come across either a big open field or a sports complex, I'm still not sure what it was. Well I take her out of the car and into the field, which was stupid because I couldn't enjoy the sex because I was freaking out about getting a tick on my dick the entire time. After the deed was done, I return to my car with every intention of dropping her off either back at the party or at her house, this was not her plan. She sees that I am getting in my car and asks, "Where do you think you're going?" I respond with the logical answer of, "Home..." This answer she was none to pleased with because next thing I know she is in the driver side door taking my keys out of the ignition and throwing them in the woods. "What the fuck was that for?", I ask while getting out of the car. She proceeds to grab me by the throat and push me up against the car and say, "You're not going anywhere till you fuck me again." Keep in mind here folks that I am 6 feet tall and way 195 pounds, I have never been so scared in my life. Obviously I had just came, and I was literally scared shitless so there was no way I was getting a boner. I had to think of everything but her to be able to get myself hard and speed fuck her so I could get the fuck out of there and never look back. To this day I attest that what had happend to me was rape, and I don't let anyone say otherwise. So be careful men because you might get the crazy one.
p.s.- To answer everyone's questions, yes I did fuck her again.
My head is pounding and my vision is a little blurry right now. I am also in my entrepreneurship class so I cannot fathom writing a blog right now. I try to get one up around 8 tonight so check back in. Last night was interesting indeed. As for the title of this blog, I have found the new hangover cure, three Advil, a nice gulp of Pepto Bismol and some Smuckers Uncrustables. Money in the bank. EDITORS NOTE: The video at the bottom is a kid I went to high school with, check him out he's pretty good. ( I have no fucking idea what I'm doing and why the video is at the top? Fuck it.)
